I Feel Sorry For The Lamp (or, how I shop Holiday Clearance)

Rudolphs. I'm guessing that when you have a herd of Rudolphs they become Rudolphi?

Mmm.  Nothing is better than the holidays…except for the moment of time immediately after when all holiday stuff goes on super-deep discount.  Just so I don’t get distracted by the cornucopia of holiday goodness (I’m looking at you, former self during post-Halloween 2010), I make a list of stuff I need.  So I don’t come home with a bag of crap I’ll never use/that will suck storage space from my already threadbare supply.

This year’s list:

  • Bows for the front stair/stoop railing.
  • Garland for said railing.
  • Pop-up tape.
  • 3M sticky-hooky things.
  • A fake Xmas tree around 3-4′ tall, preferably unlit, preferably silver, gold, multicolor or purple.
  • Maybe a 2nd Xmas tree for upstairs.  Let’s make with the Jolly for 2012, y’all.
  • New tuppers that make better use of what little storage I’ve got, to replace the one ginormous but awkward Xmas tupper I’ve had for years

What I ended up with:

  • Two Xmas trees; one purple (yayz!) and one turquoise (huh?).  Both under 3′ apiece.
  • Bows for the rail
  • Window cling things, candy-cane shaped.
  • Window cling things, solid color jello-like clings in the shape of cats with Santa hats.  Because NOTHING says sexy singleton like cats with Santa hats on your windows.  Come get me, fellas.  Line’s to your right.
  • Santa kitchen towel.  See above.
  • Mini-stuffed reindeer ornament.  From Starbucks, so it’s classy.  Ahem.
  • 3 Solar-powered “crackle sphere” multicolored LED lights.  Because I’ll use them in the backyard once it’s fenced.  Sure I will.
  • 5 LED snowflakes with suction cups that allow ’em to be attached anywhere.  Anywhere smooth.  Which rules out just about everywhere except the fridge.  Or my brand-new(ish) flatscreen tv.  One of those items probably isn’t the best idea…so I guess I’ll have to find something else for the fridge.
  • Two tuppers that fit the storage shelving-unit thingy perfectly, freeing up space in the under-the-stairs thingy.
  • Approximately 12 zillion boxes of Christmas Kleenex/Puffs, aluminum foil, Ziploc freezer bags and containers.  Because nothing says summertime better than Santa holding the pasta salad.
  • Three bottle/squeezies of watermelon-flavored Colgate toothpaste for kids, in holiday packaging.  From this moment forward, Christmas will now and forevermore mean watermelon-flavored toothpaste.
  • The Rudolphs.  More on them in a bit.

Yep.  Kinda proud of myself for having the sheer force of will that kept me from going batshit crazy during the holiday sale this year.  Oh who am I kidding?  I went absolutely crazy, running up and down the aisles, caught up in the moment with a bunch of hardcore bargain-hunters.  How could I resist joining in?  Let me rephrase that; how, with my total and complete lack of self control, could I resist joining in?

Hello. My name is Denise, and I have a problem....
...I understand that's the first step.

Sure, I now have enough paper & plastic goods for the rest of the year, all bought at about a buck apiece (or, in the case of the tissues, 82 cents apiece).  Plus, one of the bargain-hunters floated me some of her coupons for said items, so they were even cheaper.  But I can’t help thinking I lost it a bit.  Especially when I look at my Swamp Room and see the ginormous wad of stash.  Don’t bother calling Hoarders for me, they’re already appalled.

My pièce de résistance of this holiday shopping catastrophe are the Rudolphs.  Cute little buggers, aren’t they?  So, you may be thinking, I’m guessing she bought three because she has three levels/three areas she wants to showcase ’em/some sort of plan somewhere in here bb-rattling-in-a-tuna-can brain?

You’d be wrong.  I bought them for the same reason I buy a lot of things: I Feel Sorry For The Lamp.  You know, the IKEA commercial where a poor little lamp with tons of good years left (*nif*) gets tossed aside (*gulp*) LIKE SO MUCH TRASH, TO GET RAINED ON AND SO IT CRIES AND YOU’D NEVER KNOW BECAUSE IT’S RAINING AND THE LAMP DOES TOO HAVE FEELINGS GODDAMMIT!

Anyway, so yeah.  I buy things to save their lives.  Poor little misfit toys.  So what if they “don’t work”?  (Oh yes, they have a battery receptacle on their little tushies don’cha know.  They be classin’.)  I’ll bet they want to be dentists.    They were 48 cents, marked down from $14.99.  And we all know what that means.  That means they’re one step away from being tossed into The Can.

There there.  Don’t worry boys.  You’re safe with me.  *dashes away tear*

Christmas 2012 will be the best Christmas ever.  For me, for Zoe…and most especially, for the Rudolphi.  It’s a fucking Christmas miracle, and it’s beautiful.


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