How to paint a front door. Sorta.

* gather your accouterments, including something to drink. This is thirsty work y’all.


* put on your grubbies. Or just grab something out of the donation bag that has been sitting by the door for three weeks.

* make sure your cat is nowhere nearby. Ish.

* open a window or two for ventilation. Make sure your drop cloth is weighed down in case of a strong breeze.

* decide to skip the gloves while you stir paint. Stir paint. Paint hands. Put on gloves.

* start painting. Think it looks horrible. Wonder if you should have paid somebody.

* finish painting first coat. Feel badass.

* moisturize hands as a thank-you for them putting up with latex gloves. Take a break while the first coat dries. Realize why you never played sports.

* put on second coat. Immediately freak out after you notice all the spots you missed. And that the paint looks like old orange skin instead of smooth glass. Dammit.


* an hour later take a stab at a third coat, instead of a first beer. Sigh because it still looks pebble-y. Even after sanding between coats. Notice even more places you missed. Try to even the pebble-y out again. And again. Wonder if you’re coming down with OCD.

* head outside to get an idea of how it looks to everyone who walks by. Hope they all suffer from nearsightedness.

* call it a day, knowing you’re probably going to try another round of sanding and painting. Sometime.

* get that beer.


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