Yep. Things have been hectic. And since this is a blog that nobody reads (except for you, and you’re awesome), I allowed myself a bit of a hiatus.
Plus, with all the other stuff going on – Real Life and all that – I couldn’t come up with anything interesting. Or if I did, I turned it into such a big post (in my cluttered mind) that the mere thought of posting exhausted me.
So, from now on? I’ll be brief. I’ll treat this blog like Tumblr meets Twitter on Instagram. Because it was only ever supposed to be a house diary, so let’s keep it fun, informative, and throw in a rant every now and then, okay?
Well, today may ramble. Because for some reason I’m not feeling Christmasy this year. Oh, I couldn’t wait to pop up the yearly Chez Cochon Chrismukwanzyulekkah decor. It’s just that in the last few weeks, I’ve been having a touch of the Blue Christmas.
Not that I’m missing anyone in particular. I’m just missing the idea of having someone. Which is weird, because I’ve never had anyone to start with:
* parental units adopted me, and treated me like an object, like a car. Something you’re supposed to have, that you show off to people every so often so you fit in. Never once was I held, or told I was loved. Ever. And I was a pretty damm sickly kid.
* ex-hub: “I didn’t want to marry you. I just didn’t want you to leave.” Yay.
* ex-bf: really good person in there, but how can you love someone you’re ashamed of? So, as I was never good enough for him romantically in his eyes? Yeah, nup. Again with the butkus.
Aaaaaaand that’s as close as I’ve ever come to love, aside from friendship. Now, normally I suck it up. It is what it is. But for some reason – perhaps hitting the final year of my 40s – I’m unable to drop it.
Add in the exhausting bits of house stuff, and the debt I racked up last year after everything went boink? I’m too emotionally stressed out to deal with locking away the sorrow.
Hopefully things will be better after the new year, after the holidays swing outta town for another 12 months.
And hopefully I don’t kill the air plants I just got. They survive on mist & air, yet I wonder if it’ll be like the Sea Monkeys back in the day…
Good stuff this year?
* I now know how to make chainmaille earrings.
* and stamp silver and copper
* and make my own jewelry blanks
* made two hideous but strangely appealing paintings at Pub & Paints
* started the process to regrade my backyard (read: planning in my head) and plant native species to help with the backyard flooding.
* fixed the rusting, wobbly front rail! (Okay, so my neighbor did all the work. But it’s done!)
* installed the kitchen garbage disposal! (Okay, so my friend did all the work. But it’s done!)
I may just take out an equity loan, and wrap up the current debt with a few things that need to be done here. (Pull down the cute but not code back stairs & put up stairs to code, have an above oven microwave wired and installed….) That may help me feel like I’m not floundering around all alone. Or at least will take off some of the stress…for new, but manageable stress. She said hopefully. I hate the idea of more debt, but at this point? Time to woman the fuck up.
Tis the season tho, so Merry Christmas, from my strange house and hearth!